Dear Blake.

I have been interested in a woman for several years. During that time, I have dated her and helped her with her house. Today she called and asked me to walk her dog. I had to decline because I couldn’t fit it in. She sent me two emails, back-to-back:

“Thanks, Fred, but one thing I’m sure of — anyone who isn’t a friend of my dog is no friend of mine. Where’s your Christian service now? I don’t want you to check on my dog or me ever! You are a selfish guy who couldn’t take a five-minute drive on a 60-degree day, and I hope I won’t hear from you ever again. I wish you all the best. Enjoy sitting around taking care of you, yourself. Bye.”

And, “A true friend would check on my dog and lock all the doors after, so don’t go near my house or apartment. You are not a guy I want around. You think you’re better than you are.”

What do I do and how do I take this?

Signed, Fred
From Muncie, Indiana

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Dear Fred,

How that selfish woman treated you was inexcusable! If she wanted you to drop everything and cater to her, I think you ought to honor her request, rekindle the relationship, and then drop her in an epic fashion. Here are some ideas. Apologize and tell her that you now will walk the dog for her indefinitely. And after a few weeks, tell her you want to end the relationship with her, but you still want to walk the dog because it’s nicer company and it smells much better than she does. She wanted to know where your Christian service is. Respond by “twisting” a scripture and saying the bible clearly says that he can’t both God and morons. And then add you don’t want to ever see her again because you believe she’s probably a choir member of a local Church of Satan. Or, tell her you don’t have to take care of yourself, because your new girlfriend that you have been seeing for months is doing that. Also tell her your new sweetheart told you to “dump the sociopathic loser”, and that prayer has now been answered with no effort of your own/divine intervention. But if you really want to make a statement, try this. Think of a way so dramatic to propose to her, that even local news outlets will secretly be there. When all of the cameras are in place, get down on one knee and say, “What’s in this ring expresses what I genuinely feel toward you,” And when you open it up, inside it is… nothing, then walk away smirking. Be sure and watch the news that evening. I hope this helps.