Dear Blake,
I’m a single, retired woman on a fixed budget. I love to cook and entertain. I would do it more often if several of my friends didn’t routinely consume four to six bottles of wine collectively at dinner (at least one bottle per person, plus other drinks).
I can’t afford to spend $100 or more on alcohol, but I’m embarrassed to ask them to bring their own beverages, as no one else in the group does it. Any suggestions for how to handle this without offending them or breaking my budget?
Signed, Mary
From Santa Fe, New Mexico
* * * * * * * *
Dear Mary,
Your friends are apparently unaware oh how much your entertaining is costing you. Because they don’t know, you have to use some clever tactics to deal with those tipsy freeloaders. Here are some ideas. Tell them that you’re an alcoholic and you promised at your last AA meeting not to serve anymore liquor. Or, tell them all in a text, you were told by one of the people who came over your house, that every time a certain unnamed individual has anything to drink, they tell you about a bone chilling fantasy regarding murdering another person there. I assure after that, no one will accept any invitations you might extend. Or this idea. Cut back on the of quantity of drinks you give to each attendee. Instead of giving each person a bottle of wine, give them each only three of those tiny teacups from one of the kiddie kitchens for preschool girls. That way, one bottle of wine could easily last you five parties… if not more. Or this last suggestion. Double or triple the amount of booze you usually buy, and get them all intoxicated. Once they pass out, take all of their money so you can finance the next gathering at no cost to you. If this happens enough, everyone will insist on having an alcohol free gathering after they get tired of being robbed, with no evidence of who’s doing it during their drunken stupors. I hope this helps.
Blake