I am a professional pickpocket and one of the best in town so I’ve been told. I love the holiday season because there is always a smorgasbord of victims. I know what I’m doing is illegal, but in my opinion, if people are dumb enough not to monitor who’s around them, they’re getting exactly what they deserve. What do you think?
Signed, Quick Hands
From New York City
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Dear Quick Hands,
I agree with you that people should be more conscious of their surroundings, especially as Christmas approaches. But that doesn’t excuse the actions of low life crooks like yourself. I hope one day you reach into someone’s pocket that happens to be filled with black widow spiders, when each of them happen to be going through PMS. If you were born and lived in the Middle East and get convicted of being a pickpocket, they’ll cut off your rougish hands, and afterwards laugh at how frustrated you get when you try to do something simple like rolling out a rug to pray to the east three times a day. But if I had it my way, I’d take you to the Amazon River and get you drunk. And then I would encourage you to jump into a school of piranha, after convincing you that they’ll give you a complete body massage, permanently resolving any future problems in regards to aching muscles (and technically, I’d be accurate). I hope this helps.