Dear Blake,
I have five children, and an eight year son that disrupts the entire home every time he doesn’t get his way. This year he has requested a very popular train set that’s sold out everywhere. Come Christmas Day once he realizes that it’s not under the tree, he’ll have a temper tantrum and ruin the holiday for the entire household. What do you think my wife and I should do?
Signed, Ben
From Madison, Wisconsin
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Dear Ben,
Spending Christmas with one’s family is often the highlight of their year. In your case, the holiday can be just as memorable thanks to that selfish boneheaded son of yours. Have you considered booking a nice motel for you and your family, and for you guys to tiptoe out of your home on Christmas Eve while that pathetic mutation of a son is still sleeping? Or you can also give him a sedative, put him in a box, and mail to him to an address that doesn’t exist. The Post Office will return him to you after a couple of weeks, once they realize that the package cannot be delivered. And because business has dropped off considerably over the years at the USPS, they’ll ignore the sound of a screaming child, because they’re happy that you considered them for your shipping needs. If all else fails, threaten to send him to an orphanage run by old fashioned Catholics. That type of threat to even the most hardened terrorists at Guantanamo Bay, has persuaded them to give U.S. interrogators a constant flow of some very viable information. I hope this helps.
Blake