Ask Blake Picture111

Dear Blake,

I am a landlord of an apartment, and I have a tenant that knows how to “work the system”. He stopped paying rent and he knows it’ll take at least six months to legally evict him. I wish he would leave sooner, so I can rent the place to someone more honorable. Do you have any ideas on how to get him out faster?

Signed, Glenn
Form Norfolk, Virginia

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Dear Glenn,

As the landlord, you have to go through the legal process to get him removed from your property. But you can do things that will make him wish he never moved there, and probably regret the day he was born. Go to Home Depot and buy enough fertilizer to create a two foot high wall that he has to stroll through to enter or exit his apartment. Tell other renters in that building, that if he doesn’t pay his rent, you’ll raise their’s to make up for the loss. My guess is, shortly after his neighbor’s “discuss” the matter with him, he’ll be wearing a body cast and being fed through a straw. And one final idea. Sneak into his apartment at night and sprinkle some grated cheese on his mouth. But before you do that, go to NYC with a cage, and capture about a dozen or so of their rats that you set free, right next to him. And I have a personal request. The following day if possible, try to record him speaking, because I’m curious how a person would sound, talking with no lips. I hope this helps.