Unconfirmed Breaking News

Dear Blake,

I am a 72 year old woman that has aged very well. My favorite pastime by far is playing golf. Ever since the beginning of this year, I have had a major crush on an employee at the golf course. The possible issue is, he’s in his early twenties. He always smiles when he sees me, so I believe there is a real chance that he feels the same way about me too. Do you have any suggestions on how to jumpstart this relationship?

Signed, Sherry
From Las Vegas, Nevada

* * * * * * * *

Dear Sherry,

Women often fall for men that are younger than they are. But a half a century? Are you freakin” kidding me? The only “jumpstart” advice I will give you, is to keep a defibrillator with you while you’re playing 18 rounds. You sound like one of the growing amount of grammar school teachers that “tutors” her male students in courses that are not sanctioned by the Board of Education. If I knew the location that you played, I would contact the potential unsuspecting victim of your hormones that are in overdrive, and tell him to demand that you wear an ankle monitor every time you entered their facility. And, if he ever comes up missing, I hope the cops check the trunk of your car for ropes, a blindfold, and maps to isolated cabins in the mountains where screams for help would be a waste of energy. But on the other hand, age is truly just a number. And if you find out he feels the same way you do, go for it. Just be safety conscious enough to have a fire extinguisher nearby, when you have your first candlelight dinner inside your oxygen tent. I hope this helps.

Blake