Dear Blake,

I just signed a lease for a very chic apartment with perfect white carpets. My best friend is thrilled for me, and that’s the dilemma. She goes everywhere with her dog. I love my friend—and I adore dogs—but her little beast (toy French poodle) poops on couches, carpets, and beds everywhere he goes. And she thinks it’s funny! In the past, I’ve allowed the animal in my home, risking tension headaches lest the little pest makes “mistakes” (and he usually does!). But, if this dog leaves a mess on my new floor, it will be the end of our friendship. How can I tell her that her incontinent darling is not welcome?

Signed, Sheila

From New York City, New York

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Dear Sheila,

Best friends are hard to come by and are very important people in our existence. However, you must do something about this selfish silly witch that you allowed to slink into your life. So she’s amused by her messy mongrel relieving itself at your place? If it poops on your white carpet, scoop it up and dump the contents into her purse. If it pees on your carpet, use a damp sponge to absorb it, and then wring it out in her hair while stating you wanted to see how she would look as a blond. Tell that she can bring that oversize rat into your residence, as long as the second half of it is duct taped shut… tightly. You can discourage her from bringing the dog to your place, by going to an exotic pet store and buying a python, that loves French food. Maybe the problem is with you, because you can’t understand the bond between her and her dog. To explore these emotions, I would suggest that you get a dog and let it relieve itself at her place while you laugh. Specifically, buy a full grown St. Bernard, and mix with it’s food some Ex-Lax, a few hours before visiting. My guess is, your friend won’t find that funny… unless she lost her sense of smell. I hope this helps.