Dear Blake,
I’m in the fifth grade, and I got my report card back and found out I received a “D” in math. My parents will kill me, so I used a red pen and changed the “D” to a “B”. I told my parents that I would get a new copy of my report card when I see my teacher. Now it’s just a matter of time before they find out. What should I do?
Signed, Arnold
From Santa Fe, New Mexico
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Dear Arnold,
What you did was wrong on multiple levels. However, if lying is the norm in your home, when you get busted by your parents, you can always say you were trying to uphold a family tradition. If your parents are both employed, ask them if they ever padded their résumés in order to get a job? Ask them if their tax returns are all accurate, because you’re thinking about anonymously calling the IRS and strongly recommending that they both get audited. Try to find out if your dad often goes to “certain” websites that your mother might find objectionable. And also see if you can determine if your mother goes on shopping sprees and secretly maxes out credit cards without your father’s knowledge. If you can’t use any of those, the only option I can suggest that you do, is to throw them an unexpected curve. Tell them you want a DNA test done, because you have compelling reasons that you’re not their biological child. While they start giving each other some suspicious looks followed by profanity laced accusations, pack your bags and leave town. I hope this helps.
Blake