Dear Blake,

I have found the woman of my dreams and we’re getting married next year. We have so much in common and I have never been happier in my life! But before we walk down the aisle, and move into the same household we both acknowledge there is potentially a big problem. I have a dog, and she hates dogs. She has a cat, and I hate cats. Both of us love our pets and have no intention of giving them up. Neither one of us will compromise. Please help!

Signed, Thomas

From, Lansing, Michigan

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Dear Thomas,

The pet versus pet is probably a very unique issue in relationships. The fairest thing to do, would be to have a dual between the two animals, but it might take too long to train them to walk ten paces and then turn around and start firing at each with unregistered hand guns. I have no idea why people would buy either, sense both species does some crazy things. Cats regularly bring into the house dead mice and birds that they’ve caught, because they actually enjoy getting their owners nauseous. Dogs are just lazy, and they like watching people get undressed while panting and looking creepy. Maybe you should try this, up the ante by buying a wolf. If she refuses to back down, then she might buy a cougar. If she does that, you should by a hyena, which may prompt her to buy a full grown lion. At this point the police will probably get involved, and take away both of your pets, until you only have each other and live happily ever after… that’s assuming that none of wild animals you idiots foolishly purchased didn’t acquire a taste for human flesh. If that’s the case, both of you will still be together, as you lay side by side waiting to be identified at your local morgue. I hope this helps.