Dear Blake,
My roommate enjoys birds. In our apartment, she has several birdcages with parrots, finches, and other kinds of birds. I enjoy them too. They are kept immaculately and there is only one problem. Recently three of her birds died and my roommate wrapped them up and put them in our freezer. It’s a little bird morgue in there. She said she’ll bury them in the spring. Now, I refuse to use the freezer because it creeps me out just to look in it. How can I give her a hint to get rid of them?
Signed, Karina
From Juneau, Alaska
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Dear Karina,
People often get really attached to their pets, and it can become very difficult emotionally to let them go. But treating the birds as popsicles sounds a like a character Steven King would create if he had animosity toward PETA. If you don’t put a stop to this insanity now, next she’ll be putting little headstones in the freezer made out of ice cream. Ok, here are some ideas. Place some cookbooks on the kitchen table that consider parrots and finches as delicacies. You can also try to appeal to her compassionate side by telling her that is insensitive to leave those frozen fowl in refrigerator, while ignoring the needs of many starving homeless Eskimos. One of my biggest concerns is you. What will she do if you die during the winter? Stand you up outside like a totem pole until next year when flowers begin to bloom? But since she’s apparently very attached to her pets and will need to gradually heal, this is what I think you should do. Take the birds out freezer, and carefully dice them, and then return to the freezer after you put the pieces back together. Each day, you should take away a few of the tiny cubes, and after about a month or so, the birds will be gone in their entirety. So, look at the bright side, it would be a lot worse if she was a dog lover. Yikes! I hope this helps.
Blake