Dear Blake,

I am 65 years confined to a wheelchair, and I live in an upscale assisted living home which is very expensive. Here’s the problem. Employees here are not very nice to the residents. Sometimes they can be unprofessional, and at other times, outright mean. Plus the food that was advertised as gourmet, is extremely substandard. I am so frustrated! What do you think I should do?

Dee Dee,

From Billings, Montana

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Dear Dee Dee,

I’m sad to see what you are being subjected to at your home. What I would recommend you do is to find some other residents there that feel the same way you do, and then organize a group who’s sole mission is to make the lives of the employees there into a living hell. Here are some ideas. Have two residents start at opposite ends of a long hall, and then crash into each other at top speed. And then you immediately call 9-11, alleging that an employee for no apparent reason walked up to them and knocked them out. Also call the local tv news stations, and the boxing division of ESPN. Rent the movie “Animal House”, and show those old geezers and battle axes the food fight scene, and convince them that is a part of a documentary on how to get better nutrition. Tell everyone at that fossil museum who is in a wheelchair, to run over the toes of the employees every chance they get, explaining that they thought their feet was one of the rats that they see daily, and they were trying to crush it. My favorite idea is for you and some of the other disgruntled residents in wheelchairs is to circle the worst employee there to make an example of him or her. But before you do that, and because you are from Montana, teach your gang how to use a bullwhip. But on a serious note, why don’t you move into a home of your own and hire your own carer? That way you have full control over who looks after you. All that money you’re spending on the substandard care facility you’re in now would be much better placed invested in some accessibility features that allow you to enjoy the freedom of all your home. I hope this helps.