Dear Blake,

I am 7 years old and in the 3rd grade. My parents argue nonstop daily, and I hate it. We live in an apartment, and the neighbors call the police on them almost every week. It’s hard to go to sleep at night because they are constantly screaming at each other. I don’t know what to do, but I often feel like running away from home. Will you please tell me what I should do?

Signed, Devin

From Fort Worth, Texas

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Dear Devin,

It is awful as a child what you are being subjected to.  I would never advocate for you to run away from home, especially when you have the option of gaming the system and have the state remove you from your pathetic wretched parents. Here are some ideas. Go to school with some blood on your clothes, and refuse to be examined by the nurse on campus, stating that your parents do not believe in medicine. Tell one of your teachers that your mom and dad have frequently threatened to hang you if your report card doesn’t have exclusively “A’s and B’s”, and every time someone says the word “noose”, pretend to have a panic attack. Spread rumors in your neighborhood that every full moon, your parents participate in animal sacrifices, and they soon plan to replace the cats and dogs, with teenagers. Eventually, someone will report these things to your local child protection agency, and with a little luck, the state will come in and take you away from both of your parents. And even if you’re placed in an orphanage run by deranged priests and nuns, the latest stats are you have 60% chance of surviving there without being permanently physically and mentally damaged (which is up 5 points from last year). I hope this helps.