Dear Blake,

I’m a 28-year-old creative type working in the Internet biz, eking out a pittance with blog work. I have no savings, not much in the bank, and no work on the horizon, and have been seriously single for seven years. I’m trying to stay hopeful and just want a little peek into the future to keep me going. So, I ask you, should I spend $250 on a highly respected astrologist? Can’t I treat myself just this once?

Signed, Leonard

From New York City, New York

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Dear Leonard,

Sorry to hear about your ongoing struggles. Of course you can treat yourself this once, if you enjoy looking like a gullible moron. First of all, there aren’t any highly respected astrologers, and anyone who respects them is probably high. Why do you want to see the future? What if you saw it and found out that you will be worse off than the present, then your pitiful worthless life will seem to have even less value. Dabbling into the occult is always a stupid idea, but if you have to, why not simply consult Satan himself and eliminate the middle man. Or maybe you should call one of those televised psychics, so your relatives can point at you and laugh at family reunions. But if you have decided you want to pursue this bad idea, then buy a deck of tarot cards for a couple of bucks. That way you’ll save $250, and if you’re lucky, the cards will cause every person that you can’t stand to drop dead. You should probably do this sooner rather than later, before one of them buys some tarot cards, with you on their mind. I hope this helps.

Blake