Dear Blake,

I have been married to my wife for four years. During that time, my mother have called her and her family “trashy” because they live in a rural area in Texas. Mom has no reason to verbally abuse her the way she does. My wife’s family has always been very kind to me. What really gets me is that my mother also grew up in a rural area. She has said repeatedly that if I don’t get a divorce, things will never get any better between her and me. How do you think I should handle this?

Signed, Gilbert

From Dallas, Texas

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Dear Gilbert,

I really feel bad for what you and your wife are being subjected to at the hands of your mother. The only reasonable thing to do is for you and your spouse to bombard that wretched witch with a level a verbal savagery, that she’ll back off. Use some of these for starters. You can tell her that she has aged terribly, and you hope your wife doesn’t go down that same frightening road. Your wife should tell her that due to her ghastly appearance, only through God’s divine intervention can her husband stay faithful to her. She should then say because you are such a decent, loving, and attractive man, she is convinced that you must be adopted. Explain to your mother that you have no intention of getting a divorce, because if your dad’s parents didn’t make that exact same threat to him that you feel he should’ve honored, why should you? But if you believe in historic traditions, let your mother and wife settle their differences the old-fashioned way… through a duel. Let them each stand back to back, walk five paces, turn around, and start blastin’! Make sure your mother has a Super Soaker and your wife has a machine gun. And tell your wife to try to get off the first shot, because I’d feel awful if her clothes pointlessly got wet. I hope this helps.