Dear Blake,
I’m 32 and have been dating my boyfriend, for five years. However, when we visit his family who live in the area, I’m subjected to “baby talk” from his mother. She’s a petite wonderful woman, but she can’t seem to converse with any of us without pitching her voice up an octave and talking in sentences as if we are 5 years old. In addition, she insists on calling her son every day to ask how his day is going or check on him if he hasn’t been feeling well, again with a baby voice. His father says that’s who she is, and it won’t change. His parents now wonder why I seem so unhappy when I’m around them and think I don’t like them. But I’m just tired of the disrespect, and I don’t like that they expect me to accept the baby talk. Please help.
Signed, Lanette
From Eugene, Oregon
* * * * * * * *
Dear Lanette,
I am a strong believer in excepting the strange habits of others. But I would draw the line at what your boyfriend’s mother is doing, because the thought of it even makes my flesh crawl. What I suggest for you to do, is to try some tactics that will make her reluctant to speak in her grating irritating infant voice. Such as, start calling her Minnie Mouse, and then go into graphic details about the out-of-control rat population in major U.S. cities. Or maybe this idea. Learn a foreign language that you know she can’t speak, and when she starts her stupid baby talk, speak to her in your newly acquired dialect, openly displaying hostile facial expressions. And when she asks you what you said, say it was a compliment. She’ll know you’re lying, but she can’t prove it. Here’s another good one. Tell her you have really acute hearing, and explain that due to that fact that her voice sounds like a 16 wheeler truck putting on its brakes, you can’t be around her because it reminds you of a fatal car accident that you witnessed. And this is my favorite idea. Keep some helium balloons with you at all times. Whenever you see her and she speaks, respond only after you’ve breathed some helium. After a while she’ll be so insulted, that she might angrily take the balloons from you. If she does that, make sure you have enough of them, that they’ll lift her off the ground and start floating her up and away. And keep a BB gun in you purse, to shoot out “ALL” the balloons, once she’s cleared the ground by a few hundred feet. I hope this helps.
Blake