Dear Blake,
I feel petty complaining about this, but my wife has a habit I can’t stand. We keep a stick of butter on a butter dish and replace it when it’s used up. However, when my wife uses it, instead of cutting off thin slices, she scrapes her knife across the entire top of the butter cube, gradually whittling it down. Not only do I find it unsightly, but I also think it’s unsanitary. Needless to say, when I’ve mentioned it to her, she has strongly disagreed. I’m reluctant to bring it up anymore as it is settled, in her mind. I have tried using a different stick of butter, which I keep in the refrigerator and unwrap every time I want to use it, but she criticizes me for it, saying we shouldn’t have two sticks in use at the same time. What do you think about this habit of hers?
Signed, Walter
From Madison, Wisconsin
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Dear Walter,
I don’t find what your wife does with butter particularly offensive. However since you do, I would urge to get even with her by start doing things with food that will make her flesh crawl. Here are some ideas. Stop eating cereal using a bowl and spoon, instead use a plate, a fork, and a steak knife. Be sure and let her see you cutting each cornflake in half, before grabbing them by hand and eating them. Or, every time she buys a dozen eggs, take a marker and write on each one, what you thought their names would be had they lived. How about doing this? Assuming you have a canine, every time she tries a new recipe, put some of it a dog dish, and explain that if your pet doesn’t like it, then it’s probably not fit for human consumption. But if you want to focus on breakfast and the butter issue, this is what I suggest. Ask her to make some pancakes for breakfast. When she’s done and you’re both are about to begin the meal, grab the stick of butter, bite off a portion, and spit it unto her pancakes. As she looks at you in shock, then ask her how much syrup does she want sprayed on, as you pour it in your mouth, filling it until your jaws bulge. I hope this helps.
Blake