Dear Blake,

I am a 69-year-old divorcee who was married for 48 years. The last 25 years were very lonely. After our divorce, I was finally persuaded to do some online dating. I am currently happy in an exclusive year-long relationship, but because I have been out of the dating world for almost half a century, I am confused by the new rules. My boyfriend sometimes expects me to share the cost of what we do, whether it be restaurant, movies, golf, airline tickets, etc. My mother taught me that the gentleman always pays, so please give me current advice about present-day dating etiquette, if you would be so kind.

Signed, Gladys
From Atlanta, Georgia

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Dear Georgia,

Without you telling me your age, your name which was common a long time ago, I assumed you were a little on the ancient side. That being said, the new rules will probably be as big a shock to your system as when you were informed that vinyl records were getting phased out. Ok, here are some of the new dating rules. If he ever sends you any “revealing” pictures, keep them, because they can later be used for blackmail, extortion, and several of other federal crimes that you can financially benefit from. If he has Facebook account, hack it, and slash his tires if he has any messages in his inbox from a female no matter how innocent the dialogue is. This next idea is also important. Never call before stopping by his place, so you can catch him if he’s doing anything that you deem unacceptable, and if you don’t want to do that, secretly make a copy of his house key, and when he’s not there, go an do some “exploring”. But most importantly, if the relationship becomes serious, do a background check on him. And if based on what you discover, you determine that he would be just as willing to follow my previous suggestions as you are, you should thank God that you can’t bear children, because one person should never genetically be born with that much concentrated stupidity. I hope this helps.