Dear Blake,

I have been married a little over a year. My wife took a trip to Florida to get some things out of storage, and turned it into a two-week vacation. She’s now traveling back with the in-laws, which I wasn’t expecting.

Yesterday she announced she doesn’t want to talk to anyone, including me, and will only text for the next three days during the trip because she’s too tired. I feel rejected and like yesterday’s news because she hardly calls me and she almost forgot to say goodnight. I don’t think this is healthy for our relationship, and I have separation anxiety to boot. Is this normal?

Signed, Morton
From Syracuse, New York

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Dear Morton,

There could be a number of reasons for your wife’s behavior. So far, every reason that I could think of will probably make your hair stand on end and reduce your self esteem even lower. Anyway, here are some possibilities. She might have went to her storage unit just for peace, because she’d rather sleep and live in a windowless dusty room, than constantly feeling nauseous being near the likes of you. Or, it’s possible that she didn’t want to text you because the police can track a person through their cell phone, and your wife probably retrieved a large shipment of cocaine she plans to sell, to counter what she feels is your lack of ambitions and to compensate on how financially worthless you are. Storage units are also a great place to hide bodies, so conduct an extensive background check to see if any men that has ever dumped her, later mysteriously disappeared. But, it’s entirely possible that your wife doesn’t want to talk you for a few days, is because she doesn’t want to argue. I’m not talking about arguing with you, I’m talking about arguing with her secret lover that she met up with, who gets really jealous when she talks to you. And he can’t wait until you become the latest victim of your wife, wrapped in plastic and tossed into a storage unit in Florida… with all the others. I hope this helps.