Dear Blake,

I’m an 11th-grader. My parents have been putting massive amounts of pressure on me about college, and it’s stressing me into oblivion. When I try to talk to them about it, they tell me I should be, and already should have been, more involved in my college applications process, academics and preparing for college. They say those should be my top priorities right now, and have gone so far as to restrict what I can do — getting a job, hanging out, extracurriculars, etc. How do I get them to lay off?

Signed, Freddie
From San Diego, California

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Dear Freddie,

Your parents are obviously looking out for what they feel is in your best interest. But if you want them to back off, a few insensitive insults should do the trick, so consider some of these. Tell your parents that they must be lousy at managing money, because college is expensive, and they can save money by not sending you, and to accept your extremely limited intelligence and low I.Q. that was genetically received. If both of your parents have been to college, tell them that they are proof that higher education doesn’t work, and then criticize their “lackluster” careers. If they didn’t go to college, tell them considering how uneducated and stupid that they are, they seem to be doing ok. Lastly, if they want you to attend college that bad, you should go, and soon make them regret their decision! In your first semester, inform your mom and dad that you hooked up with some friends in your computer class, and you along with them have determined that this world should be completely destroyed, and then rebuilt. Then emphatically state that you and your new buddies are now spending every waking hour trying to hack into the Pentagon, looking for nuclear launch codes. At that point, your frightened mother should demand that you quit school, while your nervous father is calling the FBI and NATO. I hope this helps.