BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – The FBI declassifies and makes public their shocking report on Captain Kangaroo. The children’s television series which aired weekday mornings on CBS for nearly 30 years, made it the longest-running nationally broadcast children’s television program of its day. Their documents concluded that Mr. Green Jeans got his nickname, because he was one of the biggest marijuana distributors in the country. Bob Keeshan who played Captain Kangaroo acquired his nickname, because he would constantly hop from one airplane to the next flying all around America to finalize drug deals. And Dancing Bear a.k.a. “The Enforcer” got his title because he would maul to death anyone that tried to muscle in on their territory, and then he would happily and gleefully prance around their grave.