BREAKING NEWS – Rome, Italy – The devil is alive and well and working overtime to undermine the Roman Catholic Church, according to Pope Francis I. He said that Satan is to blame for the sexual abuse crisis and has asked Catholics around the world to recite a special prayer every day in October to try to beat him back. The Church has recently been hit by one sexual abuse scandal after another, from Germany, to the United States, to Chile. The Pope is now encouraging people alleging sex abuse, to sue the devil and not the Catholic Church. “We are being treated unfairly,” he said during a mass. “The thousands of plaintiffs should be taking Satan to court, not us, we’ve paid enough.” He then began speaking louder, with anger in his voice. “Neither the Catholic Church nor the long list of pedophile priests, should be held accountable for being manipulated by the CEO of hell! Blame him! Sue him! And stay out of the Vatican’s freakin’ bank accounts!”