BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – Former Vice President Joe Biden, in an online video, officially declared his candidacy for president in 2020, capping off weeks of intrigue and media speculation. “The core values of this nation, our standing in the world, our very democracy, everything that has made America — America — is at stake,” he robotically stated. That’s why today I’m announcing my candidacy for president of the United States.” He paused and appeared to be staring off into space as he cleared his throat. “I have yet to win the endorsement of former President Obama, but I look forward to winning his approval. I plan on changing his opinion of me from ‘crazy’ and ‘creepy’ to ‘competent’… I hope. I also plan on securing the female vote with this warning. For all the women in this nation that do not have a sign on their front lawn saying ‘Vote for Joe’, one day when they least expect it, they will find me waiting outside their home and I’ll give them an unexpected hug, while whispering something eerie as they nervously urinate on themselves.”
