BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s progressive candidates did not have a “super” Tuesday in the first congressional primaries of the 2020 cycle.

The Democratic establishment, on the other hand, could breathe a sigh of relief after three primary challengers from Texas and California underperformed in highly anticipated contests against longtime Democratic incumbents and establishment darlings. The people AOC backed, Jessica Cisneros, Georgette Gomez, and Christina Tzintzún Ramirez did not fare very well. “They all lost because they were not able to adequately project their hatred toward republicans and moderate democrats,” explained Ocasio-Cortez. “Had they followed my playbook, which is to garnish attention daily by saying things that makes you look like a misguided uninformed idiot, they might have emerged victoriously.”