BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – Dozens of counties across the West and the Northeast are under Excessive Heat Warnings and Heat Advisories today.

“Residents are urged to stay in air-conditioned buildings, avoid strenuous outdoor activities, drink plenty of water, and check on family members/neighbors,” the National Weather Service says. “Currently, we’re not sure if the heat is a normal part of our season cycles, or it’s God showing compassion by raising the temperature a little at a time in this country so people can get used to the heat, because most of the citizens in America are going to hell.”