BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – President Biden was blasted by critics for avoiding questions once again on the ongoing Afghanistan crisis and opening his remarks promoting his “Build Back Better” agenda.

After an hours-long delay, Biden took to the White House podium on and kicked off his remarks by celebrating the passing of the $3.5 trillion human infrastructure bill framework approved by House Democrats in a party-line vote. The president mentioned voting rights legislation before warning the press.

“Since I got elected, my administration has repeatedly told me not to attempt any question on any subject at any time,” he began, “I am now going to follow that advice to the letter.” He then walked away and for a few minutes, tried to open a door inward including kicking it, until he figured out it went the other way.”