BREAKING NEWS – New York City, New York – According to data collected by Swarthmore College sociologist Daniel Laurison, nearly 70 percent of Democratic staffers—including 80 percent of communications staffers—are white, and more than 90 percent of Democratic political professionals have college degrees. Almost 40 percent of party staffers went to Ivy League universities and other elite schools.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi explained it this way. “The numbers make sense,” she began. “Smart white people should always be hired first, so they can train all the other minorities, except for the immigrants in Florida that I previously stated should be in the fields picking the crops.”