BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced she will not seek re-election as leader of the House Democratic Conference after nearly 20 years at the helm, after Democrats narrowly lost the majority in the chamber during the midterm elections.

“With great confidence in our caucus, I will not seek re-election to Democratic leadership in the next Congress,” said Pelosi. “For me, the hour has come for a new generation to lead the Democratic caucus that I so deeply respect, and I’m grateful that so many are ready and willing to shoulder this awesome responsibility. In the meantime, I want to spend more time nudging my husband trying to keep him awake at his AA meetings, plus I want to dedicate more attention to me getting richer through insider trading.”