Dear Blake,

I have concerns regarding guests over my house. Whether they are friends or family members, no one who ever visits me, comes back a second time. I’m not sure what the reason is, but I think it might be because I like playing my heavy metal music full blast (and I admit most of the lyrics are disturbing), or my collection of around 500 knives that are in every room in my apartment. I’d appreciate your perspective.

Signed, Larry
From Derby, New York

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Dear Larry,

Listening to heavy metal music and collecting knives, is nothing more than a hobby. But, your current mindset suggests to me, that if you lived in London in the late 1800’s, you would probably be interviewed by the police who were searching for Jack the Ripper. Here are some of my other opinions. If law enforcement in your town reads my column, I have no doubt that they’ll be giving some of their cold cases a second look, as they search the grounds near your apartment, to see if there are any shallow graves. If you prefer heavy metal music, then you probably can’t dance, but I’m assuming you have some rhythm, when you fantasize about slicing up unfortunate guests,  to the beat of a bass or maybe a lead guitar. If you’re trying to get a date to begin a relationship, you should find a woman who has similar interests. In your case, I think you should look for a lady that’s in the Charles Manson fan club. However, you can do a public service that will benefit residents in your state. All you have to do, is sit down with the FBI so they can conduct a profile on you. Hitchhiking is illegal, but once the feds release to the public that someone likes you, lives in western New York, I assure you, drifters would rather crawl to their destination, rather than being picking up by you and never seen again… except through dental records or DNA. I hope this helps.