BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – According to an unnamed source in close to Hillary Clinton’s campaign, she has at least two secret emergency plans if the polls suggest that Donald Trump will beat her head-to-head. The first one is to go to the Justice Department and demand that they indict her immediately, and she’ll plead guilty so President Obama can have an opportunity to pardon her before he leaves office. The second one is to keep a private jet ready 24/7, that will fly her and Bill to an undisclosed remote village in another country, preferably a place where either the women there won’t get involved with a married man, or are extremely ugly.